In the Land of El Grande

Necessary disclaimer: I love my grandma, even more than I love to make fun of her, but that doesn't mean making fun of here isn't up there on the list of hobbies.

There would be mountains of mashed potatoes and soda with her name written on it and no evil son-in-law. But what would I do without her? I cannot say. So let's get through the sad part quickly: El Grande weighs about four million pounds, has cancer (currently presiding in her pancreas), only has nine toes left (due to the cancer), and a mean granddaughter who blogs rude things about her. Alright, pity pity pity. Yes, yes, I know it's terribly rude and all but it's absolutely hilarious living with her and I cannot contain myself. Now, I'll begin with her horrible English, and create a glossary!

The Abridged El Grande - English Dictionary:

• 'A Movies' - movie
• 'Didjokovitch' - Djokovic (as in Novak)
• 'Fridgerator' - refridgerator
• 'Lieberry' - library
• 'Sparagis' - asparagus
• 'So-ee Sause' - soy sauce
• 'Spoom' - spoon

And more will eventually added when I'm not so lazy.
Anyway, she is obsessed with people who have money. "ooh, Chris got Janet this, and Joey got Heidi that..." and it annoys the heck out of me. Seriously. Then she goes and buys us a television for Chritmas, even when she has no money, and is going on a cruise next year. She also has a bad habit of hiding food in her room (most of which I have found because it is in generally easy access for her large round figure to get at) and writing her name on items that reside in the refridgerator.

Also, she's really dumb. We wrote down a list of continents, and threw in other things like her home town, a state, and some countries. We asked her to circle the seven continents. Who knew that North America, South America and America were all continents! And I learned a fun fact talking with her: there are 52 states, one of which is Puerto Rico. Listen to your elders, children, because they know wayyy more than you. Yeah. She thinks that we 'turn off' the heat at night. No - it just goes to 60. Then she wakes up and puts it at 67 to heat her montrous blob of a body. One time, she was in the wheel chair and my dad was pushing her up the ramp to a restaurant. He hit a rock or something because then there was her whole body tumbling out of the chair. It ended with my dad catching her, but he grabbed her boob in the process. And he didn't even know it, so she started to yell and complain about him and his comment was that 'it felt the same as the rest of her body'.

And finally, in this fairly short (for me) post, her wardrobe is conducted of sweatsuits and t-shirts. The occasional sweater, like for Erin's conformation last week. It was pink with a black trim - fine enough. But I noticed her sweatpants were navy blue. So I commented on it and she was like 'No they're not!', so I droped it. At the service, my dad's pants were really black and he sat next to her. So I commented again on it and the response was "oh yeah, I guess they are". They're black when I say it but when there's proof they're not black. Psh.